When I am King... (repost)

With the events surrounding the death of Victoria Stafford, I felt it was appropriate to revisit this post.

I am seeking the position of King of the World.

I am aware I can’t just declare myself such as Leo DiCaprio did in Titanic. So I’ll have to convince you all I deserve the job. I have developed a platform of ideas I hope to implement as The Monarch of Earth.

I have outlined some of the concepts below.

Ahem… When I am King…

…Stupidity will be a punishable crime. Yes, those who are volunteer idiots will be held accountable for their acts. Those who video it and show it on You Tube or Worlds Most Amazing Home Videos will be held as accomplices. No one needs to see another sk8r boi get a handrail in the berries, or Evel Knievel wannabe’s dumping their bikes.

When I am Tsar of the Planet…

…Baffin Island will be a penal colony. For those who drain our system and will forever be a burden on society, there they can roam freely, from shore to shore to shore to frozen shore, feeding off each other. This, of course, is only for the worst offenders; three time losers and child molesters and the like. Also for those who have been convicted of six or more counts of Felony Stupidity. If you make it back to the mainland, you may go free. Child Molesters will have their arms severed before sentencing.

When I am The Baron of the Orb…

…Gas prices will be directly linked to the price of a barrel of oil. Pretty simple concept; and a rate of 1% for regular would be fair I think. $100 a barrel equals $1.00 a liter.

When I am Prince of the Globe…

…Bad drivers will be punished on the spot. The Honda-maniacs and Beemer Bozos who cause those daily rear enders that delay us regular people will be forced to stand under one of those portable flashy sign boards as it alternates between “ I APOLOGIZE FOR MAKING YOU LATE” and “I AM AN IDIOT”. Oh, and they have to hand out free Timmies while waiting for the tow truck and the paperwork. Doing this will take the place of one Misdemeanor Stupidity conviction.

Further, all drivers who have never been convicted of a Rolling Stupidity will be issued paint ball guns with florescent pink ammo. When they see a Stupidity - in - progress, they are allowed to fire one shot. When the offender collects three or more blots, Police have the authority to pull the offender over and give him (or her, lets not discriminate) a summons for being an a**hole.

When I am The Czar of the Cosmos…

…Drivers Ed will be a mandatory High School course. And will be given in Grade12 only. Thus two problems will be solved: teen accident stats and the drop out rate will both drop. No diploma? No license. Courses offered outside of school will be a mandatory $5000.00.

When I am The Grand Poobah…

…Car Insurance would go back to at fault. If you hit me, your insurance pays, and my rates don’t get touched. I did nothing wrong, why should I have to pay?

When I am Sultan of The Solar System…

…Loaves of bread will have an even number of slices. Further, peanut butter and jam jars will be no deeper than 1.25 inches less than the length of the average kitchen knife.

When I am Nabob of The Sphere…

…Hate Criminals and Identified Bigots will be reformed. All those convicted or even accused of any form of racial or religious discrimination will be ushered into a facility like the Skydome, and be forced to watch as dozens of four and five – year – olds of all races and religions play on the playground below.
There will be puppies and kittens too.
Kids don’t hate, that’s a learned behavior.
Only when the offenders are a blubbering mass may they be released.

When I am The Supreme Ruler of all The Lands and Seas…

…Spy satellites will be used for drug control. This sophisticated technology will stop reading license plates and intruding on sheep farmer’s private moments and be trained on the poppy and cocaine crops. The Air Force will then Napalm the crops and keep doing so until the world’s supply of heroin and crack is nothing more than a memory. The trickle down of this will run a spectrum from reducing terrorism to pruning petty street crimes.

When I am the Kaiser of Terra Firma…

…Unions will be outlawed. Where is it fair that a guy with no education deserves $75k a year to put wheels on cars in a factory, yet a Graduate Teacher can’t get a job because of double dippers, and a married Soldier with two kids’ lives at the poverty line.

When I am The Emperor of this Macrocosm…

…There shall be bunnies. And they shall frolic every morn while birds chirp in the distance. Oh, and dogs would only poop in their own yards.

Feel free to give me more concepts to implement during my reign as Overlord of All.

Thank you for your support.

DJW