When I am King... (repost)

With the events surrounding the death of Victoria Stafford, I felt it was appropriate to revisit this post.

I am seeking the position of King of the World.

I am aware I can’t just declare myself such as Leo DiCaprio did in Titanic. So I’ll have to convince you all I deserve the job. I have developed a platform of ideas I hope to implement as The Monarch of Earth.

I have outlined some of the concepts below.

Ahem… When I am King…

…Stupidity will be a punishable crime. Yes, those who are volunteer idiots will be held accountable for their acts. Those who video it and show it on You Tube or Worlds Most Amazing Home Videos will be held as accomplices. No one needs to see another sk8r boi get a handrail in the berries, or Evel Knievel wannabe’s dumping their bikes.

When I am Tsar of the Planet…

…Baffin Island will be a penal colony. For those who drain our system and will forever be a burden on society, there they can roam freely, from shore to shore to shore to frozen shore, feeding off each other. This, of course, is only for the worst offenders; three time losers and child molesters and the like. Also for those who have been convicted of six or more counts of Felony Stupidity. If you make it back to the mainland, you may go free. Child Molesters will have their arms severed before sentencing.

When I am The Baron of the Orb…

…Gas prices will be directly linked to the price of a barrel of oil. Pretty simple concept; and a rate of 1% for regular would be fair I think. $100 a barrel equals $1.00 a liter.

When I am Prince of the Globe…

…Bad drivers will be punished on the spot. The Honda-maniacs and Beemer Bozos who cause those daily rear enders that delay us regular people will be forced to stand under one of those portable flashy sign boards as it alternates between “ I APOLOGIZE FOR MAKING YOU LATE” and “I AM AN IDIOT”. Oh, and they have to hand out free Timmies while waiting for the tow truck and the paperwork. Doing this will take the place of one Misdemeanor Stupidity conviction.

Further, all drivers who have never been convicted of a Rolling Stupidity will be issued paint ball guns with florescent pink ammo. When they see a Stupidity - in - progress, they are allowed to fire one shot. When the offender collects three or more blots, Police have the authority to pull the offender over and give him (or her, lets not discriminate) a summons for being an a**hole.

When I am The Czar of the Cosmos…

…Drivers Ed will be a mandatory High School course. And will be given in Grade12 only. Thus two problems will be solved: teen accident stats and the drop out rate will both drop. No diploma? No license. Courses offered outside of school will be a mandatory $5000.00.

When I am The Grand Poobah…

…Car Insurance would go back to at fault. If you hit me, your insurance pays, and my rates don’t get touched. I did nothing wrong, why should I have to pay?

When I am Sultan of The Solar System…

…Loaves of bread will have an even number of slices. Further, peanut butter and jam jars will be no deeper than 1.25 inches less than the length of the average kitchen knife.

When I am Nabob of The Sphere…

…Hate Criminals and Identified Bigots will be reformed. All those convicted or even accused of any form of racial or religious discrimination will be ushered into a facility like the Skydome, and be forced to watch as dozens of four and five – year – olds of all races and religions play on the playground below.
There will be puppies and kittens too.
Kids don’t hate, that’s a learned behavior.
Only when the offenders are a blubbering mass may they be released.

When I am The Supreme Ruler of all The Lands and Seas…

…Spy satellites will be used for drug control. This sophisticated technology will stop reading license plates and intruding on sheep farmer’s private moments and be trained on the poppy and cocaine crops. The Air Force will then Napalm the crops and keep doing so until the world’s supply of heroin and crack is nothing more than a memory. The trickle down of this will run a spectrum from reducing terrorism to pruning petty street crimes.

When I am the Kaiser of Terra Firma…

…Unions will be outlawed. Where is it fair that a guy with no education deserves $75k a year to put wheels on cars in a factory, yet a Graduate Teacher can’t get a job because of double dippers, and a married Soldier with two kids’ lives at the poverty line.

When I am The Emperor of this Macrocosm…

…There shall be bunnies. And they shall frolic every morn while birds chirp in the distance. Oh, and dogs would only poop in their own yards.

Feel free to give me more concepts to implement during my reign as Overlord of All.

Thank you for your support.

DJW

Happy Birthday to Me!

As my birthday looms like a North Atlantic iceberg in early spring, I am not in much of a celebratory mood. This is not a milestone year coming, nor am I suffering from a middle age crisis. I have aches and pains but nothing I can't work around.

I am coming to grips with mortality.

You see, twenty - odd years ago I was immortal.

We all were.

Worked all day, partied till dawn, slept for 10 minutes and did it all over again. And as if driving the ammo truck for an Artillery Regiment wasn't enough, I tried my hand at Stock Car racing for a little more rush.

I imagine that sixty - odd years ago my Father was immortal.

An accomplished musician at young age, he was a mentor to the great Johnny Mooring.

The War got him of out of the coal mines of Springhill, Nova Scotia, but only as far as Sussex, New Brunswick. After he served in the Army as a mechanic, he likes to tell the story of how he built an Indian Motorcycle with 'spare parts' and rode it to Ontario. Of course after six decades we can all admit they were stolen parts.

He quickly found work as a mechanic. Now lets remember that he was a mechanic when they were more than 'technicians'. He was a welder, hydraulic specialist, pipe fitter, electrician, painter and more. He even taught night school until they found out he dropped out in Grade Nine. His skills led him to many opportunities, including a chance to go to South America to help set up a factory and train the workers. This he turned down because it would take him away from his family for six months or more.

His love and talent for music also soon found him in a band. This led to a regular Saturday Evening Radio gig with his band, The Nova Scotia Ramblers. (a strange foretelling as he would later work for Rambler and A.M.C.) It was on the radio that he proposed to my mother by dedicating a song for her, a tune called "Flop Eared Mule". ( I would later steal his idea to propose to M.D.B., but that's another story.)

His musical talents were legend, and earned him a spot on The Ted Mack Amateur Hour in New York City in 1959, a pre-pre-precursor to American Idol. He won trophies at the Canadian Old Time Fiddle Championships for his novelty fiddling; playing behind his back, head, holding the bow with his knees and many other contorted, impossible positions. During a weekend trip to see the Grand Ole Opry, there are pictures of him sitting around the hotel pool, jamming with the stars of Hee Haw. Their offer of a spot in the show's band was turned down because music wasn't a stable income for a man with a family.

His accidental un-quest for immortality led him to one other thing, he gave me his name. This is not uncommon, you may say, except that it is an uncommon combination of names. Most of us have 'Googled' our own names to see if there are others out there. Lorraine Sommerfeld called it 'Googleganging.' Try it and see how many you can come up with.

A search for my first name comes back with over 124,000 hits. My surname, 179,000. Put the two together?

It comes back to two people. Just the two of us. In all of the internet.

A very exclusive club in which I have been Vice President for almost 44 years.

The other night I visited the old man, and it made me sad to think that the man he was lives in him still, and wonder what it must be like to live with his memories.

I'll be the President someday, but its not a job I necessarily want.

The President in his heyday

DJW

the music that played on the wind

Thank Goodness for Unlimited Packages! UPDATED!

Thing One had her cell stolen while she was away in Kingston for the summer. Idiot that stole it ran the usage up to 172 pages before I could get it canceled. The unlimited package really paid for itself! DJW

I both sympathize and cheer for a Wyoming Dad who took a hammer to his 13 year old daughter's cell phone after she rang up a nearly $5000.00 bill, mostly by text messaging.

Many parents have given their teens cellphones. Thing One and Thing Two, our teenage daughters have had them for quite a few years. Initially paid for by Mommy and Daddy.

Other parents call parents like us crazy, but try to follow us around for a few weeks and you'll know why our kids have these units.

A number of years ago, Thing One made some transgression that suspended her internet privileges for a time. She discovered that she could access the internet from her cell, not knowing that it was $50 a megabyte and not knowing that Daddy would flip. Subsequently, she lost her cell until she paid the bill off.

Late last year, Thing Two got a new boyfriend, and discovered texting. She didn't have a text plan. The ensuing 44 page invoice caused yet another blood pressure record, and suspension of privileges until payment.

Earlier this year, we renewed our contract, we all got shiny new phones with cameras, and most of us got QWERTY keypads. This time though, Mommy and Daddy would pay for the basic service, and the Sisters Thing would have to pay the extra for the enhanced, unlimited plans, which ring up at about $20 per month each. As they both have part time jobs, this was no problem for them.

We got our new units just before Thing One embarked on a nearly 2 week journey to Halifax, including 30 hours on a train each way. It was great to get updates on her progress, and pic's from crossings at places like Miramachi and Sackville. We kept in touch with her and she with all by text and picture from across the country, a marvel of modern communication.

Long ago we switched to electronic billing.

Our Letter Carrier should thank us, because the invoice for the first month of unlimited usage was 144 pdf pages, with Thing One setting the new household record of 88 pages on her own.

I am thankful for unlimited usage packages, and my cell carrier is shaking its head.

I'm betting Wyoming Dad wishes he had gotten an unlimited deal.

DJW

DJ has two daughters with very strong thumbs.